It could just be that he has more debt somewhere that he won’t admit to. He is probably ashamed of it so he does not want to admit it. My partner and I are working on similar issues except that our situation doesn’t sound quite as bad. It’s more that she is embarrased by her level of debt, but money back from insurance would not be spent without giving it to me. Joint money is joint money and she respects that. It’s more about her individual finances that we are struggling, but we are making progress.
I didn’t see it appear on the list. But my DH and I have been in marriage counseling now for almost two years, which predates our participation in FPU by a few months, and then continuing afterwards. And we were going through a lot of these same issues. What we learned, is that this is NOT about money. This is about your needs vs his needs, and he’s putting his needs before yours and your household’s. On the surface that sounds like pure selfishness, and sometimes it is but a lot of times it’s driven by fear, insecurity, lack of trust, etc. One of the things we found with our own marriage counseling is that folks start using the “I” word when they feel isolated, under attack, alone without allies to rely on. The money problems you’re having are the effect, not the cause. If you try to work on this as a financial issue only, you’re just trying to wag the dog with the tail. The relationship itself needs to be dealt with. Once you start working on the relationship and understand what’s driving these behaviors, THEN you can start to work on changing those behaviors. If you deal with this just in term of “he’s spending all our money”, you’re not going to get to the heart of the problem. We are very grateful that we went the marriage counseling route because it has allowed us in the last two years to make major strides, not only in our financial lives but in other areas as well. I can very confidently say that in our case, FPU was necessary, but it was not sufficient. We needed that therapy as well to understand the “rest of the story”.
I’m wondering if it’s gambling. You need to figure that out asap. I can see why you’d be hesitant about commingling your incomes. I would think he makes a lot more than you, and you’re currently having the burden of carrying a disproportionate percentage of the expenses because he’s not coming clean to you as to where his income is going.
At worst, there’s something else going on that I won’t speculate on. Either way, he doesn’t respect his wife, IMO. But bottom line – if you value and want to stay in this marriage, you NEED counseling NOW. If you don’t want to stay in the marriage, cut your losses as soon as you can. Only YOU can make that decision. Otherwise, he may crash and drag you down with him.
What about combining your finances?
Sure he might balk at the possibility, but he if cant control his spending, limit his spending by giving him just blow money only. Sure it’s going to be hard to get current while assuring he has blow money, but it will get you at least even with the surface of the water over time.
You might have to negotiate on the amount of blow money he gets, but get him thinking about how much money he wastes (eeek invests) in the lottery. You might tell him that it only takes one ticket to win, he might cut out some of the expense by buying fewer tickets…
House rich perhaps? Generally that means one has a house and no furniture or anything else in it… Not sure I’ve heard of house poor as an expression.
will he co-operate with laying everything on the table so you both can see the debt? Sounds like he is in trouble somewhere.
Will be thinking of you, we have our money separate too and it does make it difficult. Neither of us big spenders but harder to feel like a team not knowing what is going on.
No money to pay? Sure there are some counselors or clergy who do a certain amount pro bono or on a sliding scale.
I suspect he has some sort of gambling issue besides the lottery. Especially since he is supposed to have enough to pay his bills … and especially if he is not bringing home any new man size toys, vehicles, clothes, etc. to account for all the spending. Maybe he is paying off gambling debts instead of paying his bills?
Oh … just thought of something … are you sure he is still working? Or is he possibly faking going to a job? That has happened before. One or the other spouse has a job, gets fired or quits, then pretends to still be working because he or she gets up and leaves the house every day. Have you verified with his employer and through direct deposit that he is, in fact, still working?
If he’s broke, even though he should have plenty of money for ‘his bills’, where is his money going? He can’t be spending THAT much on Powerball tickets. If he is, he needs to seek help for a gambling addiction. Regardless, you guys DESPERATELY need counseling to understand where his head’s at. If you can get the underlying disconnect solved, maybe you can get your finances solved as well.
We have separate accounts for our checking (I know we should be in this together). I’m a saver and I’m cautious about what I spend money on. My husband on the other hand is wild with money and blows through it like crazy. We have the bills separated, he pays certain ones and I pay certain ones. He’s an auto damage appraiser and I deliver newspapers in the early morning so I can be there for my kids to get off to school and help out in the schools they are in. Lately my husband has been asking me for money to cover the bills he should be covering. We both get paid every 2 weeks. I get paid half of what he does. So now he wants help with the food, the insurance, etc. He recently asked me to help him with his Paypal account because he had a negative balance in that and his 2 checking accounts. All three had negative balances he needed to bring current. One account took so long for him to bring up the bank closed it out on him.
He’s constantly waiting on a windfall. He plays the powerball every single week thinking he’s going to win. I have no idea why he’s so careless with money lately. Its very scary when you have 4 kids at home that expect a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs.
He just wants to walk away from everything and get an apartment so he’s not house poor… (his words). This is putting a whole lot of stress on me!!!!
He step dad and mom are my good personal friends. She maybe heading to TN from NC. I will try to attach a pic if the group will let me. If you can’t see it and have my facebook it’s on there.
Her mom’s post – PLEASE HElP…my ex was charged with domestic violence today, but dss workers were forced to leave when he came in and saw them. He got violent and they called police. Before police could get there, he forced his gf, their two sons and my daughter into his van and said he would kill them all. He is now on the run and presumed armed and dangerous. If anyone around Lenoir, North Carolina sees my daughter, call police immediately and do not approach them. They are most likely headed towards Tennessee or Georgia. Please look at the pics I’m sharing and help if you can.I’m terrified that i won’t see her alive if he isn’t caught fast….I’m begging four any help i can get
Ashley on the Dave Ramsey list asked me if I would ever have a guest blogger on any of my lists and my response was certainly. In fact I already had such plans in my concepts list for the six blogs. My first guest blogger is Sharon Hudson from the Dave Ramsey list on a subject that is one we all shy away from. It is a subject we all KNOW we need to research, we KNOW we need to do it, but for one reason or another we don’t do it. Then when it’s down to the wire we are at a total loss.
Despite what some of you think, I do not know about everything. I especially do not know a lot about end of life planning. I don’t mean wills, I mean funerals/memorial services whether for burial or cremation. So I went to the expert, I went to Sharon who owns and operates a funeral home and crematorium.
It had nothing to do with payments. It auto refilled the 14th and this happened on the 20th. The person I spoke to said they had an issue. Hopefully a one time event because like I said I can’t go without service like that.
I love the service. The phones either go through Verizon or ATT depending on the phone. I have only had one blip on the radar. Last month all of a sudden I had NO service at all. No texts, calling, anything. I went on their FB page where they have some reps that are good from what I’ve heard and they had a problem and reset some phones. Not only did they reset, when they fixed it they reset my phone # and everything. I did get it fixed but that’s not an inconvenience I want to chance too much. I’ll give it a few months and see where it leads. I do hear their customer service is TERRIBLE and their reps don’t speak good english at all. The jury is still out on this for me.
Oh and even though it’s sold as totally unlimited on the plan I’m on there’s NO streaming unless you’re on wifi. It’s in the fine print and they will shut your service down from what I hear.
Have you checked out Jitterbug? I don’t know what towers they run off but they’re a service specifically for seniors.
I was wondering if anyone uses the straight talk home phone service? (Link below if you want more info about it). I am trying to help my mom save some money. She retired last July and although she’s doing OK with her monthly bills she’s always looking for ways to save money. And her phone is is always high. Both my sister and I live in another state so her calling us is long distance, even though we are only 20-30 minutes away. So I was thinking about buying her the straight talk system, when I have a little extra money, but before I do that I wanted to see if anyone uses it and what you could tell me about it. What do you like, don’t like, problems you may have had…etc…
My mom doesn’t do cell phones, has no computer, no high speed internet, so things of that nature aren’t an option. It has to be simple or she won’t use it.
Just finished paying some bills and tweeking the mid-month budget. We are doing well, should have CC paid off by June, then only one student loan (DD) to go. It will be done by next June.
My church offered FPU for the first time starting Feb 2011. I wasn’t sure about taking it, and DH had no interest in the class. A friend and I decided to go for it, and joined in at the second class. Best choice I ever made!
I had NEVER done a real budget. We lived paycheck-to-creditors every month. We were those people with an excellent credit rating, but going down the shoot because we paid at least the minimum on ever-growing balances each month, then used cards to live. Re-fi, then charge up again. You know the story.
Fast forward- we are tithing for church, debt is decreasing steadily, bills are paid, “emergencies” haven’t stressed us out too much. Thankfully my DH always had conservative views about saving, so retirement is pretty well on track.
DH still has not taken the class, but he sure knows the program! He is happy to cooperate, as long as he doesn’t have to do anything other than behave. Our biggest lesson has been about our frivolous spending. That has almost gone away or at least fit into our fun budget!
Now, as long as the cars keep working….
I set up a file in my regular filing cabinet called “Will”. I gave the executor of my estate a letter that outlines where everything is with information about where to find things like updated passwords, the keys to my safe deposit box etc. Everytime I updated something I just stick it in the “Will” folder and then about once I year I go through and clean everything up to make it easy for her to find. I keep a list of ideas for funeral planning, etc. so that she would know what I would want. It’s not as formal as some people have but it’s a much bigger step forward than most people have.
I seem to recall sometime within the past few months someone on this site remarked about how unimpressed they were with the legal documents they had purchased from that site. I didn’t want to repeat the info because I can’t recall who was the person with the actual experience with the company. As for a comment on the Legacy Drawer, the topic only makes me feel guilty because it’s something I definitely need to sit down with my husband and get in order.
I’ve posted stuff that got way more attention than I ever dreamed, then I’ll post something that gets no response at all. I recently posted about an insurance issue we’re having here; I thought it was close enough to financial topics since it impacts not only our monthly budget but also our liability. That post didn’t get any replies either. I expect either a) folks are busy and not reading emails very closely, or b) folks don’t have personal experience and wait for someone else with experience to reply, or c) some other topic has more attention and a lesser topic falls through the cracks. It’s nothing personal. Unless you and I have both ticked someone off simultaneously. Which I doubt. Neither of our topics were rabble-rousing enough to make anyone mad. If anything, maybe they were just not quite exciting or on-topic enough. If anything, I think yours was more on-topic than mine but maybe no one has much experience with it.
Everytime I post something, I get no responses whatsoever. I’m very suprised noone had anything to say about the Legacy Drawer. Not even a comment from someone saying Sorry but they had no experience with the site recomended by Dave. It’s on topic as it is something suggested to be done by Dave.
Am I doing something wrong? Did I insult someone?
If there is no discretionary income, then partners may micromanage each other’s spending. “You spent $1.50 on a Mt Dew?!?!?” “Well, you bought a $4.99 magazine!” Blah, blah, blah!
how many accounts people have set with ING/capital one? Does anyone have account(s) set with perk street? I have been checking into them. I have been thinking about putting my spending/grocery at perk street(since they pay you….it adds up). Keeping the one at my local institution since my bills automatically come out there and possibly making the ING the ER fund. Then I will go from there.
It’s not too annoying since I’m leaving it there for savings. I just haven’t found a reason to leave yet. I haven’t been wild about the idea of ING being bought out, but Capital One hasn’t done anything wrong yet either. They are okay for now.
We are also signing up for Perk Street right now (I’m writing this while my hubs is entering his info). I have all our regular bills set up to auto-pay in ING and it is so great. I get paid weekly and he gets a pay check every other week, so I have a 1/4 of each bill transferred into a sub-account and once a month, the entire amount transferred BACK to checking so they can pay payday loans without credit check. It’s all automated at gshloans.com and it’s a beautiful thing!! I am hoping to get groceries and gas money transferred to Perk Street so we can use it just for the daily stuff.
I just got RID of those idiots(paid them off), now I have to deal with them AGAIN. Fortunately, I haven’t seen any change in ING yet. Maybe it’s because I don’t have enough money in the accounts at the moment to make a difference…
I was checking on the ING banking/savings accounts and see where Capitol One bought out ING. One of the members in this group referred ING and I was just wondering about the merging. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I see where they are still offering .75% interest rate. I have read where some of the members did not like the merger. Any information out there would be very helpful.
I’m the one with the 21 ING sub accounts so I may just have to add a 22nd one if we can’t find something. I hadn’t realized many of them were so limited in their coverage, as you’d explained in your earlier post. I need to get my permanent crown put in a couple of weeks from now, so I think I’ll ask my dentist’s office if they have any recommendations on private dental insurance. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my inquiry, Jessica; I do appreciate it.
He likes to refer to everything in terms of “I”. I need this, I need that. He went to someones house doing his job with our personal car and the owners dog scratched our car door. He went through the mans insurance company and got the damage paid for, I asked him about the insurance money and he told me “I needed to live so I spent it”.. he received over $500 from the insurance company. Little things like that don’t add up in the long run. We just had our taxes done and he’s already hounding me about the money coming in. I had the accountant put all the funds directly into my checking account. This way I know where the money will be going and what it will be spent on..
I live in the boonies up in northern Michigan, so there aren’t any dental schools here, but I will say, I did use the dental school at the University of Florida when I lived in Gainesville a million years ago for my children. My children’s preschool teacher was married to the head of the dental department at U of F so he automatically became my children’s pediatric dentist. I have to say they were offered first class care, so I can certainly attest to using their services. I’m ok with paying for the dental work, we do have a savings account we contribute to weekly, but I’m thinking we might need to find a private plan at this point. Thank you for the suggestion, though. It is a very good one!
I’ve had friends who had no dental or low dental coverage and faced large expenses of that type and most will try to find a dental school for that. Many have said it was really great . You could try finding a dental school near you…
and I can tell you that there really isn’t a good individual plan available in our area that would cover the kinds of expenses you’ve faced. Most dental plans have an annual maximum that the insurance will pay out and for the individual market that is usually pretty low ($1,000 or $1,500). You should look into plans for your state since there might be some good options for you where you live.
so I went and looked up Legacy Drawer, I’ll admit its not a term I was familiar with. Considering I thought that most people included end life planning with a good financial plan. I’m not sure why I would buy a special binder/document organizer for it.
Definitely have your paperwork in order, wills, powers of attorney, final wishes, even a thought out funeral service, but to pay for something special to house these documents, I wouldn’t bother with.
I broke a tooth eating a Clif bar of all things two nights ago. I had to pay the dentist $1096 today for the new crown and the work. Last year one of my little guys had $5000 of dental work done on his baby teeth (yes, his baby teeth). Year before that, my husband had a couple of thousand dollars worth of dental work done. I’m seeing a pattern here. Our dental problems seem to be exceeding our medical bills as of late. We haven’t any dental insurance but I’m thinking we probably should. I have a couple of older molars with those big of silver fillings they used to do back in the 60’s and 70’s and I wouldn’t be surprised if they will eventually go too considering I’m in my 50’s and these teeth are at least 45 years old. So, any suggestions on where to look for decent coverage?