I didn’t see it appear on the list. But my DH and I have been in marriage counseling now for almost two years, which predates our participation in FPU by a few months, and then continuing afterwards. And we were going through a lot of these same issues. What we learned, is that this is NOT about money. This is about your needs vs his needs, and he’s putting his needs before yours and your household’s. On the surface that sounds like pure selfishness, and sometimes it is but a lot of times it’s driven by fear, insecurity, lack of trust, etc. One of the things we found with our own marriage counseling is that folks start using the “I” word when they feel isolated, under attack, alone without allies to rely on. The money problems you’re having are the effect, not the cause. If you try to work on this as a financial issue only, you’re just trying to wag the dog with the tail. The relationship itself needs to be dealt with. Once you start working on the relationship and understand what’s driving these behaviors, THEN you can start to work on changing those behaviors. If you deal with this just in term of “he’s spending all our money”, you’re not going to get to the heart of the problem. We are very grateful that we went the marriage counseling route because it has allowed us in the last two years to make major strides, not only in our financial lives but in other areas as well. I can very confidently say that in our case, FPU was necessary, but it was not sufficient. We needed that therapy as well to understand the “rest of the story”.
I’m wondering if it’s gambling. You need to figure that out asap. I can see why you’d be hesitant about commingling your incomes. I would think he makes a lot more than you, and you’re currently having the burden of carrying a disproportionate percentage of the expenses because he’s not coming clean to you as to where his income is going.